2: Roommates

As an Economist, and a human-being, I have determined that roommates are good for one thing and one thing only: sharing rent. For this they're invaluable. I know I couldn't afford my nice apartment with its spacious and the incredibly volume of its cabinets.
But you're crazy if you think for one second that I'd invite any of my roommate to a wedding. In fact, I'd invite every one of my ex-girlfriends to a wedding before I invited even one ex-roommate. You know why that is? It's because my roommates have all been total creeps, and shit-bags. I had one roommate, he was the kind of guy who puts a telescope by his window in the middle of a large urban center surrounded by large apartment buildings; The only stars he'd ever see with that were the glow-in-the-dark kind that speckle the ceiling of the nice lady's room across the way.
You know Mark Zuckerberg, the Facebook guy? The genius behind the news-feed, and all sorts of other invasions of privacy? I bet he loves having roommates. There probably isn't anything in the world that could creep that guy out, because he already does all the creepy things in the world. He even had to come up with new creepy things just to get his jollies off.
I hate living with people too. Living with someone just brings out the littlest annoyances, and amplifies them until it drives you crazy. I can't imagine how compatible you'd have to be to make things work, you know? I mean, I love my parents, couldn't stand living with them. I don't wonder why the divorce rate is so high. With all the time married couples spend together, I'm surprised it's so low. Hell, I wonder why the homicide rate is so low.
The worst part about living with people is when they think it's okay to just use your stuff. Sure, it starts with something really innocuous, like they'll use a cookie sheet, but it'll definitely escalate from there. They might start eating your food, or using your scale, and that seems fine, but it's a slippery slope. Pretty soon they start using your mouth wash, and at that point they've got their foot in the bathroom door, and it is all over. They'll use soap, and deodorant, and all sorts of private products.
I even had one roommate who my live-in girlfriend cheated on me with. That is crossing the ultimate boundary. And I didn't find out because I caught them together, no this was much more poetic. This girl I was dating was really open, she was honest, and strait forward, you know, most of the time. She'd even leave the bathroom door open when she was in there, but not when my roommate was home because, and here's the kicker--she thought he was a total creep. So one day, I walk into the apartment, and she's on the John (incidentally also the name of my roommate at the time) and she says clearly, her voice not muffled by a door, "Honey, is that you?" And as I start to respond, I walk into the living room to find none other than my roommate greeting me with a smile, and I knew right away something was up.
The good part about all this was that there wasn't a long protracted awkward phase as one of us looked for a new apartment, with equally shitty roommates. I just moved all her crap into his room, which turned out to be a great decision for two reasons. First, because I was still paying a third of the rent, but was now getting a ton of bonus space. The second reason might not be quite as obvious to some people, but if you've ever had someone cheat on you, or if you've ever cheats on someone you're probably familiar with the golden rule: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Hey, I've got to be some one's roommate, don't I?